Mitt Romney is very sorry and says it will never happen again

Mitt Romney Haunted By Past Of Trying To Help Uninsured Sick People | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

“My hope is that Republican voters will one day forgive me for making it easier for sick people—especially low-income sick people—to go to the hospital and see a doctor,” Romney added. “It was wrong, and I’m sorry.”

According to Romney, if he could do things over again, he would do everything he could to make certain that uninsured individuals got sicker and sicker until they died. Promising his days of trying to provide medical coverage to the gravely ill are behind him, Romney said that if elected president, he would never even think about increasing anyone’s quality of life or trying to lower the infant mortality rate.

In addition, Romney repeatedly apologized for wanting to help people suffering from diabetes, Crohn’s disease, and anemia.

“I don’t know what got into me back then,” Romney said. “Wanting to make sure people were able to have health insurance if they left their job. Providing a federally funded website so individuals could compare the costs of insurance providers. Making certain that somebody who earns less than 150 percent of the poverty level can receive the same health care coverage as me or any government official. All I can say is that I was young and immature, and I am not that person anymore.”

“The only solace I can take is in the hope that some of the folks I helped were terminally ill patients who eventually withered away and died,” Romney added.

Though Romney has apologized profusely, Beltway insiders said he would need to distance himself from his I-tried-to-help-sickpeople image. Sources noted that Romney’s current promise to take away health care from anyone who can’t afford it is a step in the right direction, but might not be enough.

“The major strike against Mitt Romney is that he not only tried to help people get medical care, he actually did help people get medical care,” conservative columnist Jonah Goldberg said. “No other Republican in the field has that type of baggage. And in the end, in order to defeat President Obama, the GOP needs someone who has a track record of never wanting to help sick people.”

Thus far, Romney is polling strongly in early primary states like New Hampshire and Iowa, but Republican strategists and voters agree that even in a general election, his sordid past would continue to dog him.

“I don’t think I can vote for someone like that,” Pennsylvania Republican Eric Tolbert said. “He says he’s sorry, but how do I know that’s the real Mitt Romney? What happens if he gets elected and tries to help sick people again?”

“I like Michele Bachmann now,” Tolbert added. “Because what this country needs is a president who doesn’t give a fuck about helping people.”


3 comments on “Mitt Romney is very sorry and says it will never happen again

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  1. Yeah, very funny, one of the problems with MassCare, is that it didn’t expand the supply of doctors, and through courts and the leadership of
    Obama, 1.0, Deval Patrick, expanded the coverage requirement, so
    premiums tripled there. Of course, the point of Obamacare, is to dump
    the 30 million, into Medicaid, and collapse the system

  2. miguel cervantes wrote:

    Obama, 1.0, Deval Patrick, expanded the coverage requirement, so
    premiums tripled there.

    You have evidence on that? Seems odd that the people there continue to support the law by 60 – 80% in opinion polls if they’re all paying three times what they used to for health insurance because of it (and getting nothing for it). I’m guessing that that’s a rightwing factoid based loosely on some peculiar interpretation of whatever evidence, repeated over and over again in certain places under the usual pattern of alternative reality construction.

    It’s true, from what I’ve read, that yearly double digit percentage increases in health care costs have been the norm in Mass, but that was so before the law was passed (in almost every year except for the one in which it went into effect, when premiums dropped). The same is true about doctor shortages, a national problem that Mass has sought to address on the state level. Ditto for the cost problems.

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